| 1 | "why are rants becoming so popular lately? people should just STFU and keep it to themselves" - Sharky |
| 2 | "my new hobby has become peeing" - Amanda |
| 3 | "i bookmarked it" - Aaron (about goatse.cx) |
| 4 | "Does Jesus do Multicast?" - Docah |
| 5 | "No body wants to pet a wet kitty." - Amanda |
| 6 | "I don't want a wet kitty on my bed." - Amanda |
| 7 | "Why is it that I must use 8x the recommended amount of maxwell house to get a nearly acceptable coffee?" - mumbles |
| 8 | "I like to drink a lot of coffee before bed so I can dream faster" - Rob (Quoting Coffee & Cigarettes) |
| 9 | "did you fuck a farm animal in the ass today?" - Rob |
| 10 | "Reading makes you smart. Smart people don't have dumb questions." - asfrecorder readme |
| 11 | "gateway already made that. so did ECS. fucking gay maclots. get your own design (about the new iMac)" - Docah |
| 12 | "(you pissed on my what?) wheaties. and the bukkake cookie. sorry" - Docah |
| 13 | "why don't you dance around in your pumps a lil more you little bitch" - jer (about his son) |
| 14 | "I don't usually do much "thinking" while watching porn. I'm usually engrossed in "other" activities... like eating cheerios, doing crosswords, or working on Algebra (its a hobby). What were you thinking I did?" - Mikey |
| 15 | "And up next, a special report on the clitoris - Nature's Rubix Cube." --Family Guy |
| 16 | "i gonna go on a priest banging bender. excuse me priest, does this smell like chloroform?" -jer |
| 17 | "Does God do Omnicast?" -Lloyd |
| 18 | "I don't like verbal communication.. it involves people..." - mumbles |
| 19 | "i wasn't sure if she was a lesbian or not. she didn't have pictures of her softball team in her cubicle." - dean |
| 20 | "I hope sometime in the future there is a "bra bomber", who then makes it necessary for women to remove their bras when passing through airline security" -Ian |
| 21 | "This whole thread makes me want to go to the local library and pound one out into a Curious George book." - Fark |
| 22 | "Kids should learn to deal with self esteem problems by fixing their imperfections." - Random |
| 23 | "The army taught me one thing. Watch your back. There are friends and then there are friends." - Bumpa |
| 24 | "But I know this, no matter what the problem this country has; it's still the best country I've ever been in." - Bumpa |
| 25 | "hey my engine fell out again" - Rob |
| 26 | "i make a really good breakfast quiche... but that doesn't get out, because eating a quiche is borderline, making one is gay" - jer |
| 27 | "umm, brb,... dad of the year forgot his kids again" - Jer |
| 28 | "what does it mean to audit a class? can i still do everything in the class? ok. i signed up for pottery. :P" - Amanda |
| 29 | "okok back to porn" - Mike |
| 30 | "and while i'm dreaming of having money, a pony and a toilet that thanks me for pooping in it" - Jer |
| 31 | "So, I've been out of the office for a little over a month. I've been able to come back to my office maybe two or three times this month since I've been working off site down the street in the nicer building. Today I got a break and our meetings let out right after lunch for the day and i was able to go to my office for the first time in a long time. While i was away this month they hired a new temp to do some busy work, and since our department is quite small they put her in my office to work since it was a little cramped outside, her name is Lisa and she's an older Filipino woman, around 60 or so (this is all I knew before going back to the office) So I walk into the department and talk a bit with some coworkers before heading to my office and mention that its fucking hot in our department and i notice the fans set up..Turns out the buildings AC went down a couple of days ago soo I make my way down the hall and notice my door is closed, so I grab my keys and open my door and there's Lisa collating . I say hello and this look of pure horror washes across her face, just as I'm about to introduce myself I get my nose hairs singed by this...this HORRIBLE smell, as if someone had spent an hour burping up their Egg Mcmuffin and farting cabbage soup up my nose. my first reaction was "holy crap!, what is that" turns out I said that out loud, I then played it off as i hadn't said that-- and said hello to Lisa she said hello and she promptly ran out of my office, I prop my door open because its so fucking hot and rank in there and just go on with my business. a few minutes later I went up front to fax something off from the meeting when a few of my coworkers ask me what i did to Lisa, I said nothing and that she looked a bit sick, maybe from sitting in such a hot office with the door closed. They then told me that she went home early after crying up front for a few minutes---she said she didn't feel well. I'm guessing she had farted and closed the door waiting for the ventilation system to carry away her poot. I feel kind of guilty right now, while the rest of the department thinks I farted and or belittled our 60 year old temp I'm hoping she'll be back monday and we can pretend it didnt happen :-/" - asshat |
| 32 | "People who work at Best Buy should be fined for giving computer/technology advice. " - Greg |
| 33 | "amber alert... who cares about a missing kid in detroit? i don't" - docah |
| 34 | "And what's with Jesus being the only way in? Is heaven surrounded by a moat full of pirhana and electrified razor wire? Why couldn't you just go in through the service door? If you act like you're supposed to be there, who's gonna bother you? You gotta be nonchalant. If you run in like a goon, knocking shit over, trampling picnics, going "WOO HOO, I SNUCK IN", then you deserve to be tackled, hog tied, and tossed into the lake of eternal hellfire, you dumbass. That's how I picture heaven. People having picnics, surounded by razor wire." - MeatFarley |
| 35 | "i had to leave, it was dead in there" - mandi (about rob's viewing) |
| 36 | "three gallons? that's like six half-gallons!" - Doug |
| 37 | "Imagine my surprise when there is a penis in my ass. I've never had a penis in my ass..." - geralyn |
| 38 | "i had a little black girl in pontiac try to jump in front of my car. if you were there, you could have got her with the door." - docah |
| 39 | "IM IN UR COMPUTR TRICKN U AND UR GOD" |
| 40 | "Ayn Rand is the curdled remains of a black, bitter, shrivelled apple from the tree of hypocrisy growing under the outhouse in the deepest pit of Hell. She couldn't grope her way out of her own rectum with a flashlight and a copy of Gray's Anatomy. Her entire rancid philosophy could have been killed if anyone had been brave or desperate enough to stick their penis into that frigid arctic pucker of her twat." - random |
| 41 | "don't cheat. the only way to get caught for cheating is to cheat off an idiot. and i can't tell the difference between one idiot's writing and another idiot's writing." - Robert Anderson |
| 42 | "No thanks. I'll sit here so I can hold her hand and we can remember when." - (old man at a restaurant about sitting across the table from his wife.) |
| 43 | "a2xVillian: hmm a2xVillian: i dont think my browser is loading php and sql" - joe |
| 44 | "so, we shouldn't use clone.vbs because it rapes babies, right?" |
| 45 | "where do you get seed to grow binary trees?" - Smudge |
| 46 | "but cow had a set back accident today . tripped on my deaf dog and took out my main computer" - cow |
| 47 | " going to name my kid orange or purple.. cant ryme nutting with them" - cow |
| 48 | "i disable my ecc. i dont liek being corrected" - cow |
| 49 | "and on your way out of tony's, (ed: in birch run) they're like, here's a 53% off angioplasty coupon" - michael |
| 50 | "how can i judge people if i'm not a pretentious white kid?" - docah |
| 51 | "actually, I'd think, gee why aren't they dressed up as a giant crotchless frog while they wax their pubes on a car" - michael |
| 52 | "i can't wait until you're a year old. then we can switch to the vinegar water. hopefully you won't get bloody diarrhea. " - amanda to the kitten |
| 53 | "I'm sure you know by now, that I am a cow, who likes to race, with a big smile on his face, I let out a moo as i blow by you, sent down from the devine, I am a mystic bovine, blessed to be the best, I left the herd to spread the word, moo to you mother, your sister and brother" - cow |
| 54 | "Do the needful" |
| 55 | "DOG RAPE MONKEY COCK LLAMA FUCK" - fulbert |
| 56 | "every now and again, when i'm strapped for cash, i like to slip on a skirt, slap on some lipstick, tie my penis between my legs, and head down to the docks for a little hustling. the money's right and it's a hell of a rush. now i know what you're thinking, "hey mr on-air personality, isn't hustling dangerous?" you bet it is. that's why i charge a LOT. it helps keep the riff-raff away if you know what i'm talkin about." -on-air personality (played by michael ian black) |
| 57 | "call me old fashioned, but I believe that there's only one true god, and he lives in this lake, and his name is zorgo" |
| 58 | "call me old fashioned, but I think fire is magic... and it scares me alot..." |
| 59 | "commercial whaling: talk to your kids about it before someone else does." |
| 60 | "did I mention that I am beating off to a flyer of a little black kid that is vomiting?" |
| 61 | "if mother nature had a vagina, i'd fuck her" - matt |
| 62 | "You don't have as much experience with robocopy as i do" |
| 63 | "thats cause the mother board is not detroit compatible its supposed to be a mofro, not mobo" - barry |
| 64 | "i've got a warm loaf of happiness welling up inside me" - barry |
| 65 | "I was going to work out with your mother yesterday morning, and as i was getting ready, i used the bathroom. I blew it up, got up, finished getting ready. I realized i had to go to the bathroom again. I sat down, blew up the toilet again, and decided to cancel working out with your mother and go back to bed. (pause) that this has been happening to me for quite some time now, and didn't really know what was going on. (pause) how's your mortgage?" - bumps |
| 66 | "i wonder where all these confrontational elderly people are most of the ones we interact with have their kids call in and claim grandma's too old to make her own decisions and we're victimizing them nevermind we have grandma on recording chipper as day, talking about exactly how much our phone bills would cost, and how the process works and they call right around the time verizon sends them a winback letter.
suddenly, verizon offers them some sweetheart introductory offer to woo them back, and all a sudden ol grandma's gone so senile she couldn't be legally bound to a contract.
i want one to be like "my father died storming normandy, and my husband died fighting in korea, and my son got fragged by the vcin vietnam, and they all died so you could victimize me with what was a great deal until verizon counteroffered, how dare you hold me to a 1 year commitment!"
that coincidence would have been hard to work out too there was less than a 25 year window between the start of the korean war and the end of vietnam especially since the only way she could have a husband that died in korea if her dad died in ww2 if if he died at the beginning of ww2, before the US got involved, and had gotten impregnated by her Husband at age 14. which would be awkward. well, I guess she could have lived prior to the state of ww2 start if she was born in 1931 or earlier that could work that would make the lady 19 at the start of korea which would presumably give her 1 year or so until the armistice to squeeze out her only son and lose her husband, and that son would have been a perfect age to die in the middle of the vietnam war but then, this means that a 75 year old woman was writing checks with her mouth that her ass can't cash while traveling alone on dc metro, which is either hardcore or fucking insane" - paul |